I adapted this blog post from the first of a four-part Growth Seminar. I taught this class on parenting at Living Way Church on Sunday, February 4, 2024. You can listen to the audio by clicking HERE.
What is the goal of parenting? Just like anything else in life, you need to understand the goal. If you don’t know the goal of your parenting, then the day-in and day-out process of parenting is going to be haphazard, confusing, and frustrating. And guess what, it will be even more frustrating for your child than it is for you!
My boys love board games. We have accumulated a closet full of them at this point. When you get a new game, there’s that moment when you unfold the board. You open the little bags with all the pieces and then stare at them, kind of wondering how it all works. That’s the moment you find the instruction booklet to figure out what’s going on. And what’s the first thing the instructions normally tell you? The goal of the game.
The Goal of the Game
This is a lot like parenting. You have a brand-new baby and come home excitedly. Then, suddenly, you look at this little person and think, “Now what do we do?”
When William, my oldest son, was born, I remember coming home from the hospital. First of all, I drove slowly, thinking that if I turned too sharp, I might hurt him or something. (By the fifth son, I almost forgot he was with us on the drive home!)
Then, I distinctly remember lying in bed that night and having the full weight of parenthood fall on me. I started thinking about him growing up and how I would always be his father. I now had the responsibility to provide and care for another human until he could function as an adult. That’s no small thing.
As a parent, God entrusts you with the formation of another human being made in his image. So, you really need to understand what the goal of parenting is. You need to know the goal so that you understand how to put all the pieces together into something that makes sense for you and your child.
What Is the Goal?
So, what is the goal of parenting?Let’s turn to one of the first verses in the Bible that specifically addresses the parent-child relationship. This is the fifth commandment given to Moses by God.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).
Paul also quotes this verse in his letter to the Ephesians. He makes note that this is the first commandment with promise.
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1-4).
What, then, is the goal of parenting? The goal of parenting is to impart life to our children.
Notice that a child who honors his father and mother is promised an abundant life. We impart life by selflessly loving them and showing them the way they should live. The ultimate expression of imparting life is that we are working to make them disciples of Jesus Christ. This is what I’m calling the “life zone.”
Life Zone vs. Death Zone
There is another zone we can parent from, however, and that’s what I’m going to call the “death zone.“ Notice that Paul alludes to that in the verses I just referenced. He tells the fathers to not provoke their children to anger. In other words, he’s telling the fathers that provoking their children to anger is not going to accomplish the goal of teaching them to honor their father and mother.
The death zone is when we are self-centered, self-righteous, and self-absorbed. This is when we focus on our convenience, our hobbies, our own professional success, our even our own reputations. The death zone is when we make the goal of parenting to be served rather than to serve. It’s when parenting becomes all about us.
The life zone is when we are God-centered, gracious, and not thinking of ourselves first. This is when we focus on what’s best for our children, spending our time with them to develop them and relate to them. This is when we are more concerned about their souls than about what other people might think about us or them. It’s when parenting becomes all about giving glory to God!
The Life Zone
As a parent, God has given you a tremendous privilege and responsibility to raise your child or your children. What you say to your children and how you treat your children is either going to impart life or death. The Bible makes this very clear. Let’s look at a few verses:
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21).
“Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death” (Proverbs 19:18).
Our words and our actions are either going to impart life or death to our children. I’m certain that if you are reading this you love your children and want to see them live an abundant life as they grow up. So, let’s see what the Bible says about how we lead our children to that life.
Life-Giving Goals
So, your big picture goal is to impart life to our children. And the highest form of this is leading them to Jesus. To do this, you must think long-term about the kind of person you are trying to shape through your parenting. When I think of my sons and the way I want to be able to describe them one day, I immediately think of Stephen from the book Acts.
“They chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit” (Acts 6:5).
I also think about the kind of men Moses described in Exodus 18. This was when he was appointing leaders over Israel to distribute the workload:
Exodus 18:21 (ESV)
“Moreover, look for able men from all the people, men who fear God, who are trustworthy and hate a bribe, and place such men over the people as chiefs of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens” (Exodus 18:21).
I want my sons to be described this way one day. Yes, God ultimately is the giver of faith and his Spirit, but I want to do everything I can to point them in this direction. A life-giving parent acts and speaks towards the end of raising men and women who fear the Lord, are full of faith, and walk by the Spirit.
This means you are in the business of forming their character, teaching them obedience, demanding their respect, and expecting them to be responsible for themselves and those around them. This kind of parenting requires you to be walking with much grace. You must be rooted in the love and grace of God first for this to happen in a way that points your children to Jesus. This is not the easy way, but it is the way of the cross that God has called us to as parents. For you to be a life-giving parent, you are going to have to lay down your own life.
Outline for Parenting to Impart Life
As you are thinking about this idea of being a life-giving parent, I’m going to break down what this looks like into two sections with three sub points each:
- Life-Giving Instruction
- The Fear of the Lord
- Character Formation
- Gospel-Based Teaching
- Life-Giving Example Setting
- Integrity
- Priorities
- Gospel-Based Interactions
Life-Giving Instruction
If you are going to impart life to your children, you must instruct them. This is not an option. Children will not raise themselves in a way that will lead them to life or to Jesus. Your children need you to correct them, discipline them, and teach them. You should not be annoyed with your children’s need for constant instruction. This is one of your first priorities and main duties.
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).
Instructing your children in the ways of God should be a constant in your life. You should take every opportunity in the home, in the car, on walks, at bedtime, whenever situations arise, and point them to the Lord. If you do this, it will accomplish a lot more than regimented family devotional time that is disconnected from the rest of your life. You need to make your whole life about teaching your children about God and his ways and the great salvation we have in Jesus Christ. You need to help them connect the dots of God’s grace and God’s holiness.
The Fear of the Lord
I will discuss this more as I go through particular age groups in the coming weeks, but I want to go ahead and mention that one of your first priorities as a parent is to teach your children to fear the Lord. Fearing the Lord is the very foundation of wisdom and knowledge.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7).
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight” (Proverbs 9:10).
It is through your instruction as a parent, especially in teaching your children to honor you (and so obey the fifth commandment) that your children will first learn to fear the Lord. Without the fear of the Lord, your child will not understand the immense value of God’s love for us in Jesus Christ because they will not understand his justice and his holiness.
If God is who He has revealed himself to be in the Bible, then your children must respond to Him with trust, love, and, yes, appropriate fear. Their first step in this journey is learning to respond to you with trust, love, and, yes, appropriate fear.
By teaching your children to honor and obey you, you are ultimately teaching your children to honor and obey God’s word. This is the holy God, whose law is perfect, whose promises never fail, and whose justice will be satisfied. The concept of the fear of the Lord captures the entire idea of what it means to obey God’s law and walk in covenant with him. This is of first importance in your parenting.
Character Formation
The second major category of life-giving instruction is character formation. This will involve many different approaches. You need to teach them good character, you need to use corrective discipline, which when they are young involves physical discipline, and you need to guide them with formative discipline. Character formation should be one of your top goals as a parent when you are thinking about imparting life to your children.
Again, turning to Proverbs, there is a thread that runs through the book that communicates that the very character that the father is trying to instill in his son is the same thing that will protect him from the evils of this world. In other words, the gift of wisdom is the guardian of their souls. (You can read more about this idea on another blog post by clicking HERE.)
“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you” (Proverbs 2:6-11).
When we walk in the wisdom and ways of God as communicated in his word, we are protected from the ways of wickedness. If you want your children to avoid the pain of bad decisions, the regret of sinful choices, and the death that comes from those things, then shape their character to align with God’s ways. When we walk in God’s ways, we are protected by the understanding and discretion he gives to us through that relationship with him.
Gospel-Based Teaching
Third, you need to make sure that all of this is communicated in the light of the gospel of grace. We are not teaching our children to just be moral people (although that is important – I don’t want to downplay that), we need to teach them how to understand God’s righteousness requirements in the light of Jesus’ death and resurrection.
This means that you take the time to walk through who God is as holy and righteous, how each of us falls short of his glory, and how God had to send his own Son to take the punishment and penalty for our sin. Then, Jesus was raised from the dead, defeating sin and death once and for all. And now, at the right hand of God, he has given us the Holy Spirit to empower us to live lives that please him as living sacrifices.
Therefore, we must teach them how to confess sin, repent of sin, and seek the forgiveness of God. We are not expecting perfection, but we are teaching that God has called us to be holy and set apart from the world. His grace does not excuse sin, but his grace empowers us to say no to sin. And this is a choice we need to make each day as we walk with him. He has given us everything we need for life and godliness.
If they put their faith in Christ, their identity is not going to be found in their performance but in what Christ did for them. Your kids are going to sin, and they might even really make a mess of their lives at some point. You need to be there waiting with the open arms of Jesus, ready to point them back to his love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. If you do this, you are going to create a loving environment where they want more of Jesus.
Life-Giving Example Setting
The next big category is example-setting. If you are going to impart life to your children, you must set an example they can follow. Instruction alone is not enough. It must be complemented by a real-life example they can follow.
This does not mean you are expected to be perfect, but it does mean that there is consistency between your teaching and your actions. One of the fastest ways you can undermine your authority as a parent is to say one thing and do another. So, let’s look at three categories here.
Integrity
The first crucial piece of setting an example is integrity. Integrity is the idea of completeness and blamelessness. This means you are a person without a divided heart. You are wholeheartedly committed to the Lord and to obeying his word. There should not be some huge disparity between who are you at church and who you are at home.
“The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him!” (Proverbs 20:7).
What do your children see at home in your speech, actions, and how you spend your time? Does it line up with what you say you believe? Is your public image an accurate representation of your home life? If you want your children to take you seriously, you need to have integrity.
Priorities
The second thing I want to point out is that your priorities will speak louder than your words. Is God a priority in your life? Do you build your life around worshiping him or around your own interests and desires? Your priorities will communicate to your children what is important and what is not. Priorities are important because priorities are about worship. This is about the first commandment, which is to have no other gods before Him (Exodus 20:3).
One of the most important parenting decisions you will make is to be a committed member of a local church. If the church isn’t important to you, it will not be important to your children. And if the church is not important to them, I can almost guarantee you that God will not be important to them either. How you spend your time on Sunday is not neutral. Your commitment to be with the church on Sunday for worship should be absolute and understood within the home.
There should be very few exceptions to this during the year. And yes, this does mean limiting Sunday vacations and travel. We’re all going to miss some Sundays, but we should all try to be here as much as possible and as much as it is in our power to do so. This Sunday commitment will then spill over into a love for the church, strong relationships within the church, and a desire to be even more involved in the life of the church outside of Sunday mornings.
Gospel-Based Interactions
Just like we need to teach the gospel, we also need to model the gospel for our children. This can mean a lot of things, but I think the primary way we do this is through humbly repenting and forgiving when we have sinned or when we have been sinned against. You need to demonstrate to your children what it means to live out the grace of God we have in Jesus Christ. He has forgiven us, so we forgive.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13).
He has given us his righteousness, so we can repent and not try to prove our own righteousness to everyone around us. Therefore, we can humbly admit and point out our imperfections to our children (they already see them anyway!). We should quickly ask them to forgive us when we sin against them and explain to them how we need Christ’s righteousness just like they do. This should be the gospel-tone of our homes.
The Death Zone
Up until now, I have been talking about the Life Zone, and that’s on purpose. I want to give you the positive example more than talk about the negative example. However, I do want to warn you about the Death Zone.
Death Zone parenting is when your parenting turns in on itself and becomes all about you…
- You will instruct them, if it’s convenient for you.
- You will discipline them, if it serves your purposes in the moment.
- You will expect good character, if it helps you look good in front of others.
- You will come to church, as long as there’s nothing better happening on Sunday.
When you are in the death zone, you are viewing your children as an inconvenience and impediment to the life you really want live, if only you were free of the responsibility of raising them. You are basically making the decision to allow your child to pursue a path of death by not loving them the way God has loved you, which is with sacrificial love. When you put yourself above your child, you are in the death zone.
This can take many forms. One form of this is spoiling your children by making them the center of your life. This is all about meeting your own emotional needs rather than putting God at the center of your life and the life of your family. Another form is exasperating them with demands for perfection without emotional connection or loving support grounded in the gospel. Another form is ignoring them and leaving them to fend for themselves and figure out life on their own because you are just too busy or lazy to properly love them.
Conclusion: Let’s Be Parents Who Impart Life
My appeal to you, if you see yourself in any of these examples of the death zone, is to repent and to move towards the life zone. Ask for help if you need it. This is not something we can accomplish on our own: we need the strength and help of the Holy Spirit. We need the community of the church. And we need the wisdom of those who have gone before us.
The stakes are too high, however, for you to put off the changes that need to be made in your home. Today is the day to make hard decisions. You need to keep the end in mind.
Let’s ask God to help us raise children who fear the Lord and are full of the Holy Spirit and faith. We want to raise men and women who can be entrusted with the kingdom of God!
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